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2009, was the season of the flu. So while BakerMuse is on vacation, I am adding 4% new material to a fan favorite an Afficiando's Guide to the Flu. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) is from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Cheap Nike Shoes Speed Dial." As a dedicated flu aficionado , I am to the flu what a sommelier is to wine. Many a Saturday night I have staggerd across my living room looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I can sense the subtle flavorings of each flu strain. Some have a hint of nausea with a whisper of migrane. For example, I can tell you the difference between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or the surprisingly vicious but short lived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan has been a favorite host and subsequent victim of the flues since the great plague.
For my non flu oriented friends, I have compiled a list Nike Shoes of my favorite influenza strains and their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu has a mysterious ninja type quality. One minute you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak with a seaweed demi glaze, then suddenly you're making love to the nearest commode. This flu turns your stomach into a massive Yak tsunami. Should you be in the clutches of this flu drag the nearest futon into your bathroom and place it next to the toilet. The HPG flu is what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu is so vile, you will be throwing up food you had as a child like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst part of this flu is that once the spewing is over the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows there's nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act over and over again. I once found my entire stomach lining in the sink drain.
If you wake up and you feel as if a 7 foot, hairy version of Claude Akins is dancing on your chest, you've got the Saquatch. Forget about breathing my friend because you've just exchanged lungs with a 54 year old waitress from Yuma who's single handedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so that you sound exactly like Susanne Pleshette. Then, as the Sasquatch works its way through your bronchial tubes you will begin to cough up a lung, and in some cases your body will turn completely inside out. North Pole Elves have their own version of this called Tinsel Lung.
As the name implies, you might as well Velcro yourself to the toilet, because this will be an extended stay. This nasty virus goes straight to your intestines and begins to propagate like rabbits on a triple dose of Viagra. The so called "friendly" bacteria are wiped out turning your colon into a large section of PVC pipe. Depending on which version of "FITH" you get, the variations are labeled as followed. The Howizer. This should be self explanatory. In fact, this is a flu best investigated by the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Hold on to the toilet seat or you will be rocketed into the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst features of both Howitzer and the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to this double whammy, I Nike Free Run Shoes would suggest a pair of asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This is the worst. It's a five alarm fire and you're sitting on it. You feel as if a million Habaneropeppers are partying in your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this may be the major cause of Global Warming.
This may be among the most mysterious of all the flu bugs. It is gender specific. This flu attacks the kind of men who are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Men who get up a five AM, put on some natural hemp underwear and go out fishing with nothing more than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the brain and suddenly this man's whole life is the LifeTime Channel. This man will put on a comfy robe, sip chamomile tea and watch movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep all the way through it. This phase can last up to three days. If the man starts talking about a desire to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The Wack a Mole or Deja Flu
This strain of the flu begins with a case of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is a small investment in your cure. But then your throat begins to feel like coarse sandpaper and a dry cough begins to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've only spent a $1.99 and added to the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough turns into a nerve wracking hacking and finally into something resembling the mucous version of the movie Krakatoa, East of Java. Over night, the sniffles are gone only to be replaced gymnastic stomach. This is when you begin binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word for it, this is not the time to take the family portrait. At this point, the aforementioned Fire in the Hole takes over. The wack a mole feature is that these symptoms can appear in any combination at any time. Even weeks later when you've got what I call deja flu.
I have about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, but the Lifetime Channel is on and I think Tory Spelling is starring.
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